Promise Of Hope

In the beginning it starts as a spark.IMG_1517

Then God gives it breath, and your life begins to start.

Treatment is the kindling and the journey begins.

Just give the hope time because your nowhere near the end.

Once you get out the wind starts to blow.

Careful with your tiny fire, you can’t afford to let it go.

You take suggestions hit meetings, and throw on a log.

Remember in the process your still in the fog.

Then hope begins to crackle, and the log begins to smoke.

Careful not to overload let the fire stoke.

Then hope begins to flame, and rage into a fire.

Careful at this point don’t turn to wrong desires.

Give hope time as it started like a spark.

Sobriety like the fire will settle in your heart.

You meet a lot of people and IMG_0602 make a lot of friends.

Then you start to realize, you don’t want the hope to end.

Once the fires blazing you form a bed of coals, and in the process of recovery you start to reach your goals.

The goal of sober living which started as a spark is now warm hope lets keep it in our heart.

Just when we think we’re finished and that our job is done , we should reach into the bed of coals and share it with someone !





Childs Play

So Iam finishing up a huge week with Sunday football and have hunkered down in my basement to decompress after dropping off my daughters . I have had them for a full seven days because their mother had gone out of town. Now you might say ” A whole seven days whats the big deal ? “.IMG_2125 Well I do not have full custody of my girls so a whole week is a bit of a culture shock for me. I stay involved in there life on a daily basis, but its completely different to have them for more then a long weekend now. I knew it was not gonna be a hard week, they are very well behaved and require very little  constant monitoring .IMG_2289Juli is 11 and Lily is 8 they are both great girls involved in sports , dance, and do very well in school. I find that some of the time they are more mature then I am ! So as i drove home the first day with them in the back seat I thought about the week ahead.  I questioned why I was so intimidated by it all. I have had them for long weekends before and not to brag but I am a good father so whats the big deal .The more I thought about it the more I wondered  why i felt this way. I know as humans we start to develop habits after just three weeks so just like anybody else I have grown accustomed to a hybrid parenting lifestyle . This is natural and healthy because it allows us to adjust and change. I say “hybrid “rather then “part time” because once a parent always a parent , and I am always on call and ready to jump into action at any point if I am needed.  The only problem with that is just because your on call you start to develop selfish behavior and we all know to be a good parent we need to be selfless. IMG_1212A good example of what I mean is I had recently started binging on a non PG  Tv series and any other time I would have watched till my heart was content . Not this week it was dinner, homework , and either the news on and some type of kid crafts or a disney movie ! So i found myself pouting a bit at first . So as the days ticked by the question answered its self , I was intimidated because my routine was threatened. It wasn’t because I felt inadequate . I quickly fell into a groove and learned to love living my life around my children again. Once that happened the rest of the week flew by and I was dropping them off and the week that appeared huge was not long enough. I have a tendency to overthink things and if you read my post before this you might understand why . Although my life is different today , I think its still important to question why i feel what i feel. So as I sit here quietly typing this post I still have an ear open for kids playing in the house . I guess old habits die hard ….

Spilt Peas

Hiking ,Trail,Woods

I sat there staring out the window it was early fall so the sun was setting fast. I could not stop shaking and the drugs they had administered where doing very little to take the edge off. There were two squirrels tumbling through the golden leaves lost completely in the moment. I wanted to be them, i wanted to be anything other then myself. My diagnoses  was not good my disease was fatal. I couldn’t believe i was here again . I couldn’t believe that there was such a simple way back to health yet so difficult to attain! I ignored the questions the nurses insisted on asking choosing to look the other way . The squirrels had the answer I wanted not the nurses. It all started earlier that summer I had stopped by some old friends house I missed them and had not seen them all winter. They were happy to see me and asked how i was doing we exchanged pleasantries but the house was bustling with movement . The young women were packing things in coolers the guys enjoying a few beers while they came up with a plan. It was a hot day in Hamilton a small neighborhood just outside the city. You could buy old houses cheap there ,as the community was hanging on by a thread. Hamilton had attracted working class families , artists, and in this particular case a young hippy by the name of Jere and his father Rick. Jere owned the house and his father lived with him. Along with whatever young attractive free spirited hippy girl that had fallen for him charm that season. The AC was not working very well so everybody’s t-shirts  were soaked. They were planning to flee to woods where shade would be plentiful with a light breeze through the trees to make them forget all about the sweltering city heat for a while. I was just passing through but  quickly chimed in on the perfect wooded retreat spots surrounding Baltimore. I was offered a beer but declined i finally had my health back and the thought of beer at the time seemed pointless. I mentioned a spot and all attention turned to me . A close friend of mine had showed me a secret spot if you would. He had moved to Wyoming the year before and had passed it on before he left. It had a crystal clear swimming spot will a fire pit and multiple trees to string hammocks . I had always been drawn to the woods and felt at peace in them. So as i told them about the spot there adventure began to become mine too. I pushed my motorcycle in the back yard and locked it to the porch ,and without thinking twice i was on my way to the woods. Now i had told myself i would show them the way introduce them to the spot and catch a ride back into town. I know there was a lot of holes in my plan so i doubt i had any intentions to leave in the first place. Now Jere was an old soul people were drawn to him, old man Rick Jere’s father would always say he was Lennon reincarnated as he was born on the day he was shot. They were hippies to the core and with that came everything that hippies do. We got to the head of the trail and Jere pulled out a huge bag of mushrooms . I reached in and grabbed a handful and brought it to mouth this was the true crossroads not the trail head . If i ingested this handful of impairment i would instantly be sick again and everything i had based my health and happiness on surely would be gone. I gulped down the wrong decision and barely chewed before i swallowed. The rest of the summer was a blur filled with hallucinogens,pot,alcohol ,and hard drugs. I stayed in Hamilton and along with the things i mentioned tried to drown myself in bourbon. My health quickly faded along with my happiness. During that period Jere never stopped smiling and Rick was always there swilling warm Captain Morgan stowed in his belt. Jere was the image of who i thought i wanted to be and Old Man Rick was the image of who i would become if i didn’t stop. I was stuck in a world of almost’s and not yets. I had done it again I had chosen my terminal disease over the simple cure of abstinence . The nurses had enough of me choosing the window over the treatment i had professed to need earlier that day . I was back in rehab and this was just the beginning the DT’s were worse then i had ever had. The desire for cocaine and the other drugs i had used as nourishment the months leading up to this paled in comparison to every cell in me shaking for one more drop of whiskey. This was my first day of detox I had two more days here to make sure i would not die from withdrawal ,before i moved next door to start a thirty day program. They set the tray in front of me and told me I had to eat I started with a spoon full of peas. From the tray to my mouth the shakes shook the peas from the spoon I managed to eat just one and quickly gave up and ate with my hands. Who was I ,How did i get here again.



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